TWO NIGHTS WITH CLEOPATRA
The year is 31 B.C., Julius Caesar is dead,
and Mark Antony, abandoning Rome, his wife and children,
has married the seductive queen of Egypt.
Human nature may not have changed in 2000 years
but progress has made giant strides.
In those days, there weren't any telegraphs or telephones,
swift horsemen rode many miles
to carry a love letter or a death sentence.
This horseman carries to Alexandria a letter from Antony to Cleopatra.
The royal palace is still immersed in deep slumber.
But not everyone is asleep.
Usually for some handsome officer of the palace guard
is the task to treat Cleopatra's insomnia.
And the whole thing is resolved in a stunning night of love.
But the price of this pleasure is rather high.
As Tortul, Cleopatra's advisor and confidante, will now show.
who awaits the officer as he leaves the queen's appartment.
History has not dwelt much on these habits of Cleopatra,
but some knowledge has come to us all the same.
Thus, instead of telling of her days,
we will dwell on the nights of the Egyptian Messalina.
Cleopatra deep down cared very much about her reputation,
and with this system, no-one could ever claim to have been her lover.
Meanwhile, the rider with his telegram reaches his destination,
and asks to speak to the queen immediately.
- "Is Cleopatra awake yet?" - "No, she rests."
Deliciously, languidy exhausted,
Cleopatra rests.
Dedit.
- It seems a beautiful day. - Yes, my lady.
And the night was lovely too.
For you, who has seen the light of the sun again, but not for him.
If you were a man, could you wish for a better death?
I don't know, I'm a woman.
Tell me the truth, what do you think of your queen?
If I had a husband like Antony, I'd be faithful to him.
A dog is faithful! A woman, never!
- Cleopatra? - Come in, Tortul.
Antony has sent you a message.
In two days, he'll march to Ephesus where he'll join with the support
of all his allies and sympathisers. - You are well informed.
To know all while asking nothing is the first of my duties.
The clash with Octavian is close. May Isis protect him.
Antony's army is prepared, and the gods protect the strong.
They've always protected him.
Even the strings of the gods can break when stretched too far.
He'll receive aid from Syria, Armenia, and the Black Sea.
He will have my entire fleet at his disposal.
Don't forget that he is a good soldier.
He was a good soldier.
He had the world in his hands and gave it up for your love.
I am the world. If it were not so, I wouldn't be the queen of kings.
Octavian!
Who does that beardless youth think he is,
pretending to emulate the deeds of Julius Caesar?
It's an error to underestimate the power of your enemy.
After the defeat, you will see him here at my feet, as my slave.
And if he's the victor?
Then you'll see him here as well... as my husband.
He's a much younger man than Antony and they say he's handsome too.
Don't forget that he hates you.
You're wrong, women like Cleopatra are only hated at a distance,
but not up close.
Dedit? Leave us.
Tonight I will go to Antony.
I want to find out his plans and greet him before he leaves.
- An affectionate gesture for a wife, but a dangerous one for a queen. - Why?
- You know why you can't. - I may do as I please.
No sovereign has ever abandoned Alexandria on the feast day of Isis.
The priests of the temple would consider it sacrilige.
The gods will have understanding for a loving wife.
Yes, but the people don't look with favour upon this new war
and your enemies might profit by your absence.
No one must know of my departure.
It's easier to hide an elephant in a bottle than a secret from the priests.
Is that Neghis' sword? - Yes.
He stood guard at the queen's door? - That's right.
Then, it's all clear. - So Neghis has gone now too.
It'd be easier to survive a fight with a lion...
than the favour of Clepatra. The queen of kings knows no limits.
But one day, Tortul will pay for all of his crimes!
Who guards the queen's apartment tonight?
I do. And I offer 10 talents to anyone who'll take my place.
Did you hear about Neghis?
I'm ready to die for the queen, but in battle.
I've never had a taste for poison. - I think you're exaggerating.
I was on guard there many times and nothing ever happened to me.
I believe it!
If we all looked like you, Cleopatra would be the most faithful of women.
Faithful? Never. She would give orders to put out the torches!
Hey, who's this?
Perhaps a pretty woman who doen't want to be known.
It's not a pretty woman, it's just an ugly man!
Probably a spy!
- Welcome to my place, sir. - Who are they?
Merchants. I'm here to serve you.
I'm sure you'll leave my inn very satisfied. Sit down and order.
Anything you want is at your disposal.
Any news?
The Roman soldiers only come here to drink.
They don't say much, perhaps they don't trust me.
Would you like something to eat? - I'm not hungry.
- Some wine from Constantinople? - I'm not thirsty.
Then follow me. I think I have something which you will like.
She's an Ottoman. No extra charge for the weight.
She costs the same as a thin one. Do you like her?
If they're all like this, I'll have you whipped!
I have the prettiest flowers of the Mediterranean!
Just choose.
Engaged!
Look, do you like her?
This one has a quality over the others: she's deaf-mute.
She won't bore you with her talk.
- She may be deaf, but I'm not blind. - Oh sir, you're not easy to satisfy.
Never mind, come this way.
She's a flower of purity. She's from a small village in the Upper Nile.
I bought her only yesterday, poor dear! She's not settled in yet.
But I will convince her. Do you like her?
I knew you'd be pleased! Her name is Nisca.
Don't you care for her face?
Even too much. Are you sure no-one has seen her?
No-one before you.
I had set her aside for an important customer like you. Thank you.
You can stay as long as you wish. - Never mind, I'll take her with me.
No, no! I need her here.
How could I replace her?
If you don't know how to replace her, put yourself in her place.
It's been ten days since we asked for new officers and still nothing!
Hopefully they'll be strong and full of spirit.
I doubt it. Those from the city prefer to fight with Antony,
so we'll end up with some country bumpkins.
Here we are at the imprecious palace. Halt!
Ingeus, stay here, I won't be long.
If I whistle, come quickly. - But I am tied down!
Don't you have hands, Ingeus? Untie yourself!
Don't make me look bad, this is not our palace, understand?
Excuse me, kind old man, is that a funeral?
- Funeral? That is queen Cleopatra! - Queen Cleopatra?
Cleopatra ! Cleopatra! Cleopatra!
Cleopatra!
Guards!
What do you want from me? I didn't do anything! Where are you taking me?
Let me go, I wanted to greet queen Cleopatra! Let me go!
Can I inform my family? Ingeus!
Get off of me! Where are you taking me?
Today I'm unlucky. - Greetings, Eros. - What is it?
A suspicious acting young man was running after the queen.
Let go of me! Or I'll bite off your fingers!
Two against one! You got that? Two! Good morning, gentlemen.
- Who are you? - Take a guess: Who am I?
- Probably a deserter from Antony. - In what way?
- And you'd be a soldier? - A soldier? Take it off.
Do you see this? I'm an officer. Attention!
He must be crazy.
What's your name? - Little Caesar.
- That's not possible. - You think you know better than me?
- Papers? - What? - Do you have papers?
"Do you have papers?" Do we have papers?
- We have papers. - We have papers. - Yes.
- We have them? - Yes. - Then let's see them!
Here they are, read this. See.
"When Isis dressed in white appears in the blue skies..."
We found ourselves a poet! - A poet!
"When Isis dressed in white..." - That's not the one!
Don't be a wiseguy or I'll smack your head with it!
You got it wrong! They must read the appointment as an officer!
Read this here. Mother, how ugly!
Ingeus, don't turn around! Do you see how ugly he is?
Here, this is my appointment as an officer.
- So it's true, you're a colleague. - I'm a colleague, let me kiss you.
I was appointed 10 days ago and proud to serve Cleopatra,
the greatest queen in the world!
And the queen of Egypt will be proud to have you too.
Very kind.
You can have the room of the officer who just left us.
I can take it? Where did he go?
The queen gave him a very nice position.
- Will she give me one too? - Sure, don't worry.
But you can't serve the queen in that condition.
- What do you mean? - That.
- Don't worry, I'll give it to him. - He'll give it to me.
Fine! How fine you are, soldiers!
Tall, big, handsome soldiers! And the officers are even better!
I am proud to be among so many beautiful...
Mother, he's ugly! However did he get in here?
Don't look, Ingeus, it could be contagious.
When can I see Cleopatra?
- Anytime you like. - Can I go now?
No. This is the time for the bath of the divine Cleopatra.
- Hail, Cleopatra. - Greetings, Tortul.
Will you still go to Antony tonight? - Didn't you counsel me not to?
What seems impossible today, will no longer be tomorrow. - Go!
Sometimes I wonder how you manage to do these things.
There are 40 ways to be crazy, but only one to be wise.
Women know how to be wise also.
You are beautiful and powerful, if you had my wisdom, you could become
the greatest woman in the world. - I am the greatest woman in the world.
Find my equal, I dare you. - Careful, I might succeed.
You can go to Antony, and no one will ever know of your absence.
My plan is very simple and came to me by chance.
When I was doing my usual round to understand the popular mood,
I looked in on the tavern of one of my informers...
Careful, Ingeus, it's a matter of reversing it. Come on.
There it is. You see, Ingeus?
- How beautiful! - Yes, beautiful, isn't it?
- Is this the golden scarab? - Yes.
You'd better keep it for now, it's dangerous. You keep it to yourself.
The scarab of pure gold!
Yes, it's pure gold, Ingeus, but you have to take good care of it.
I'll take care, but what if the beetle flies away?
- No, the beetle cannot fly. - Why not?
Because of this.
Here. Now take good care, Ingeus. Alright? - Yes.
I have to go now.
What a beautiful beetle!
So that's why I couldn't see!
Thanks! You're ugly, but you're very intelligent.
Look how accidents happen! I put it on backwards!
- You know the game of dice? - Which one is that? This?
You take the two cubes and throw 12?
- You may even throw less. - So far, I've always thrown 12.
- Shall we play? - Gladly. What shall we play for?
If you win I'll give you a talent, if you lose, you take over my watch.
Gladly. Shall we play?
12!
See?
Your turn!
7. Give me a talent.
- Shall we do another round? - Sure. The dice please.
12.
See?
You try.
8. Give me another talent.
- Do you want another turn? - Yes. - Let's do another.
12.
See?
12!
- Enough! - Hey, give me a talent!
Look at that! Lucky in games and in love!
- To think I needed to win just once! - Why just once?
I don't want to do guard the rooms of Cleopatra tonight.
If I'd won, you'd have done it. - If you need a favour, I'll do it.
- Really? - Yes, but will I see queen Cleopatra?
- Of course. - You know her.
What is queen Cleopatra like? - She's very beautiful!
- Damn, how I like Cleopatra! - All men like her.
- You too? - Of course.
- So you're a man. - What did you think I am?
Don't get angry, it was a simple question.
Is it true that the hair of queen Cleopatra is black black black?
Long and black as a winter night.
Then she is good, kind, thoughtful... - To all?
- Especially to men. - Even to you?
I told you I am a man!
Don't get angry, it was a simple question, no?
Is Cleopatra really so good and kind?
A model woman. I assure you that you won't find any other like her.
# Cleopatra, Cleopatra! #
# These feelings for you... #
# I see you deep dark black... over the Nile, speaking to me of love... #
# Only for me, darling... pom-pom. #
Dedit, send everyone away, tonight I'm very tired.
- Must I leave too? - Yes.
So this is the one?
What do you think?
- I don't think she looks like a queen. - You are alike as two drops of water.
Certainly, but don't confuse pure spring water with that of a sewer.
Still, at the moment she'll do well.
But can we rely on her discretion? - Yes.
- What if she talks? - She won't talk.
The dead have never told anything.
Be careful, my queen.
I'll be back at dawn to receive the high priests and princes of Egypt.
If you do what I told you, you'll have nothing to fear.
Remember not to speak, no matter if they ask you a question,
don't respond, and don't take off this headpiece for any reason.
Only your voice and hair could reveal that you are not the queen.
No one must know.
Remember that your life depends on it.
- But I'm afraid. - What are you afraid of?
Nothing bad will happen to you as long as you are the queen of Egypt.
And later you only have to be careful not talk to anyone.
Your shift lasts until dawn. It's long, but we only have to do it every 10 days.
And when I am on duty, can I walk up and down?
You can do everything, except leave.
- And if I have to go urgently? - Never!
I'll keep it in.
- And, if you want my advice... - Yes?
Avoid entering with Cleopatra.
How stuck-up! I know it's all envy!
Halt! Who goes there? Stand still!
You know you can't go in? - I know, but I'm going out.
- Really? Can I rest assured? - Of course.
But once you exit from the rooms of the queen, you can't go back.
- Do you know who I am? - Sure, my fellow officers told me.
You're a scoundrel, and if they catch you, they'll tear you to pieces.
- I go in and out when I want. - Then why am I here? For fun?
You must make sure that nobody enters except me.
Yes, don't worry. Goodbye, curlybeard!
Were you coming from the rooms of Queen? - No, I wanted to enter.
You can't. You may leave, but not enter.
- But I'm her handmaiden. - Really?
- And why are you going to the queen? - To bring her this precious perfume.
It is the 'Scent of Midnight' and I bring it to her every night.
What an incented scent! Give it to me, I'll bring it.
- You can't! - Don't you trust me?
It's dangerous for you to enter.
Dangerous for me? Don't be silly, I have...
I had it. Where is that imbecile Ingeus!
Do you know Cleopatra very well? - Like my own dress.
Tell me, does your dress...damn!
Cleopatra has a ring with a golden scarab, right? - Yes.
- I have one too. - Really? - Yes.
- How'd you get it? - How? It's a secret.
Promise not to tell anyone if I say how? You promise?
You have to know that I lived in Zanziras, in a large palace.
All built in marble and full of columns.
It was always full of guests, of princes, princesses,
all covered in white and black feathers.
Please, make yourselves at home.
One beautiful morning, I went out early to sit on my marble throne
in the park of my sumptuous palace.
While mulling over my thoughts,
I heard a gentle voice crying "Help, help!".
I sharpened my ear and jumped up fearlessly.
I raced down imprecipitously.
and there I saw a beautiful girl who had fallen into a terrible abyss.
I faced the icy waters and I dropped down, defying death,
between cliffs, rocks and rushing water.
I reached the beautiful blonde girl and said to her,
"Hey, hold on to the stick."
- Then what did you do? - Despising danger,
at my utmost heroic, I pulled her out of the abyss.
Then I laid her like a flower on my mighty shoulder
and brought her to safety in the gardens of my great palace.
So the blonde girl wanted to reward me,
and gave me a ring, telling me:
"There is only one other ring like this.
Cleopatra has it, and this I give to you.
If one day you see her, show her this ring
and everything shall be yours."
And that's how I got the same ring as Cleopatra. So long, handmaiden.
- Don't go, it's dangerous. - But I got the ring.
- It's dangerous. - It may be dangerous, but I'm brave.
Handmaiden... Sleep well.
Pardon me? May I come in?
Excuse me.
Cleopatra?
Cleo.
What are you doing? Are you crying?
Why are you sad?
Cleo, you are crying.
Listen...
Cleopatra!
Guess where it is now? In my left or my right hand?
In this one? It's not here! Then look at this one! It's not!
Where is it? You take a guess!
Look, Cleo, here it is.
It's the perfume. I put it on too, smell.
Do you smell it? It's the incented scent, I brought it for you.
For your blackblack hair, deep as a winter night.
Cleo! Cleo!
You want it? Shall I put some on?
I'll put on the perfume. I'll put some on you.
Shall I put it on?
Cleo! You're blonde!
You're blonde, Cleo. Let me take a peek.
But you're blonde! Yellow blonde!
Holy cow! They told me it was as black as a winter night.
Instead you're blonde like like an afternoon in summer.
- Don't look at my hair. - But it's not ugly, it's beautiful.
It's simply beautiful, Cleo.
Don't cry, Cleo.
Do not cry, Cleo, or you'll make me cry too.
See these tears, Cleo? You've made me cry!
It's beautiful, all blonde.
Take me to Mark Antony!
We'll meet in Asia Minor and make camp at Ephesus.
And at the right moment, we'll march towards Greece.
I know that my soldiers would prefer peace,
but you can tell them that peace can only be acquired by the sword.
The legionaries love you, Antony, but they do not want this war.
They can't fight without a cause.
Every tree has its roots and every fight has its cause.
The Divine Cleopatra.
- Antony! - Cleopatra!
Cleo, I have a ring just like yours too.
I don't have it now, but I'll bring it to you tomorrow. Let me see yours.
That's not it! Don't you have a ring with a beetle?
I think so...
...but speak softly.
- Why? Is someone sleeping? - No, but they could hear us.
Let them hear us! One can't even talk?
You can, yes, but not me.
You cannot talk? But you are the queen?
I cannot tell you anything,
I'm sorry. - I forgive you.
- The officer of the watch? - Eros!
Was he a friend of yours? - He arrived this morning.
This was his first and last service.
I warned him not to enter.
Cleopatra does not forgive. - For her it's just a game.
One lover more, and one officer less.
Soon Cleopatra will have no officers left, while the great Antony...
Antony! How great men become small when they fall in love!
Surely if his first wife arrived from Rome, the one whom he repudiated,
she'd make him end up like Atilius Regulus!
I know that one. She'd make him end up like the Carthaginians.
Yes, Antony is playing a dangerous game. He'll find out soon...
But what does "soon" matter, when today, you can indulge
with a woman like that? Why care about tomorrow?
How I'd like to be in Antony's place right now!
Me too, no surprise! Everyone would like to be in his place!
But then, Cleopatra might grow tired
of Antony, you know how women are. - Women are fickle.
That's it! Then there might be something left for us too. I hope so.
I'd like to be in Antony's place!
You could never do what I would do. - And what would you do?
You're a novice, it takes men like us, with experience in love.
Dear Calpurnius, if I could, I'd make her burn like a torch.
What about me! I like her plenty!
Instead, I hate her!
- What's with him? - Who knows!
One column will camp at Ephesus, and another 15 miles to the southeast.
- And there you'll join forces? - Yes.
And together we will march on Greece.
March, march, march... Now we encounter a small stream.
We jump over the stream. march, march, march...
We come to a little mountain and we begin to climb the mountain.
The cripple piggy is not afraid to go up.
March, march, march... Another stream.
It's a mountain stream of fresh water. Drink, little piggy.
He jumps over the stream, march, march, march...
He sees a big mountain...
And he avoids it because big mountains are scary.
March, march, march... He approaches the summit.
There's the top! And he run, run, runs to the top!
You're laughing, Cleo! Thanks to piggy you're not crying anymore.
Are you going to cry again?
Let's cry just a little bit.
Shall I help you, Cleo? I'll start crying too.
Cry a little. How good you are, Cleo!
How well I cry on the mountain!
This very day I will know the name of the head of the conspirators:
I believe he's hiding among my own men.
Will you kill him? - That's dangerous on the eve of departure.
I agree. You should send him to me.
What are you saying? The plot is right against you!
Exactly. Send him to Alexandria for some reason.
When he arrives in my palace, I will take care of him.
Cleopatra, you can love and you can hate with the same passion.
What nice grapes you have, Cleo! From your own vineyard?
Or that of your uncle, who broke his ankle during harvest?
Eat, Cleo, as long as your uncle is away! Good, aren't they?
Did you know that if you look inside a grape
you see the person you love? - No!
- You didn't know? - Is that true?
On my word! If I say so, it's true!
Wanna see?
Close this eye tight. Now look hard, very hard.
I played a joke on you!
Strike me down, what a strong hand!
- I'm sorry. - I forgive you.
What strong hands!
Wow!
- Ingeus! - Who is that?
That's Ingeus! Hold my grapes, Cleo!
Ingeus, sing something romantic.
Yes.
Throw me the bottle.
Softly, Ingeus, you're a romantic!
- You drink? - Yes.
No, it's milk!
Goats milk, it's very good.
# In milk is the colour of purity. # - Bravo.
You see? It's pure milk.
# In milk there is the taste of youth. # - Youth.
# It recalls the innocence of the lamb.# - Baah!
# And the white mantle of snow. #
Freezing! May I shelter from the cold?
# You look like the prize for good men. #
Thanks, you are the prize.
# In life, refuse gifts.# - Thank you, Ingeus.
# You can take the milk that's mine, because I prefer to drink the wine. #
Try some, it's so good, Cleo.
Here.
Do you like it? I made it myself. - The milk?
No, the music for the song. I wrote it for you.
- For me? - Yes. - You wrote it for the queen.
If I wrote it for the queen, or for you, it's the same thing.
You know how I would love to be the king?
- Even if the queen was another? - No, the queen must be you, or none.
Cleo, listen to the music of the song. Hear this passage.
The goat always interferes!
What is it, Cleo? Are you sad because of me?
No, I just wish I could stay with you forever.
But I know I won't see you again. - Of course I'll see you again!
I'll come around every night and also by day! We're friends now, right?
Play, Cleo!
Holy cow, what strong hands you have! - Did I hurt you?
No, it did me good. There are so many things I want to talk about.
I'll tell you about my village. It's lovely. It's called Zanziras.
- Zanziras? - Zanziras.
Damn, Cleo! You crying again now?
Do you know my village? - No.
- Then why? - I have heared about it.
Then let me tell you of another place. I know many.
- No, tell me about Zanziras. - OK.
You see, Cleo... Let go for a moment.
Zanziras is a big place, how can I tell...
Great, great, as a village can can be.
If it were a city, it would be teensy weensy.
Zanziras is far, far, far away.
All wet from the Nile. See? All wet.
But we turn to the sun to dry.
The beautiful sun... So bright, you can't even look at it!
It shines high, high until sunset.
In Zanziras live about 2,000 people.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine...
Do you want me to count to 2,000?
Zanziras makes a living mostly from agriculture.
Good, tasty food! There is so much agriculture in Zanziras!
Too much!
The Zanzirandesians are simple people who live by agriculture.
But they are all petty little men, small, small, small.
But then in their midst is a young man,
tall, proud, brave
and he leaves Zanziras and goes to Alexandria to become an officer
for the great Queen Cleopatra.
Wasn't it just one apple? - Yes.
Here's to your triumph, to my kingdom, to our love.
When you're the prize of victory, I cannot lose!
Tomorrow at dawn the army moves on. - I will return to say goodbye.
It's dangerous for you to leave Alexandria. Betrayal is in the air.
Will you know the names of those who are conspiring against me?
My men will find out today.
When you know, command the traitor to bring this ring to Cleopatra.
He won't ask for a better occasion, and I will be able to recognise him.
- Promise me you'll be careful. - I run no risk,
and tomorrow there'll be one traitor less.
It's not right, though. We all have to win a war,
and Cleopatra is only for Antony.
I'd make a proposal: Give Cleopatra a bit to each one, to us,
and Antony can wage war by himself!
He can have it! Without envy! Knock yourself out!
- It's no use waiting. - Why?
- Take the goat and go back to Zanziras. - Why?
Your master won't come back.
But, did he tell you personally,
face to face, that he won't return?
He won't be able to say anything. Too bad, he was so young!
# You go to my country and in the city I want to stay! #
- But you're alive! - Sure, do you mind?
And I'm not only alive, but also very hungry!
- I thought you went to Cleopatra. - Yes, I was there.
You were right!
Cleopatra is a nice girl.
- Did you speak to her? - We talked, we played games,
I tickled her, we did all tricks. We even did 'the little pig'.
And when I do 'the little pig', I get hungry!
- Did you hear me? - Yes, Sir.
So, tell Candida to squeeze herself, I want a double ration.
Half a liter!
A game of dice? - No, thank you.
Twelve.
Look at her, she smiles.
Perhaps she dreams she really is the queen.
She doesn't know what fate awaits her. - Two queens are too many.
Now... - No!
Don't kill her. She may still be useful.
Did anyone see you?
Yes... no! No one.
This one was supposed to look like the queen of the kings?
She's a poor fool.
Lock her in the dungeons.
She told me she had never known a man like me.
And she would spend many more nights like that.
That means from now on, we can rest assured.
Ingeus, tell the goat to give me more.
Have a look, sir, they're all beauties, real bargains too!
Turn around, you make me look bad!
You sir, would you like to buy a slave?
Fresh slaves!
Sir, come here!
Then what do you want, if not fresh slaves?
- Go away! - Go away! Windowshopper!
One, two and three.
There is no pretext to arrest them.
- Then find some excuse. - I will think of one.
- Pick one. - For 10 talents I'll take this one.
Oh, no! For 10 talents I can give you this one.
- No. - She's a beauty! - No, no! - She's a beauty!
Turn around. Turn around!
- He will be in Alexandria today. - How will he enter the palace?
He carries a message for Cleopatra, but we still need your help.
Careful.
Come with us. - What's going on?
Why am I arrested? I haven't done anything! I'm an honest merchant!
You, come with us. - Why are you arresting me?
It's a new law. We must arrest all men who are under 5 feet.
Give me some time, I'll try to grow, I'm still young!
But I'm taller than 5 feet, why me?
I'm arresting you for selling damaged goods!
One of your slaves has bad teeth.
- Impossible! - And you're too fat.
But I am tall, thin, and sell slaves of the finest quality.
You are free to go from the hands of my soldiers and resume your work.
Arrest him for rebellion against the army!
Divine Cleopatra, choose. These are the strongest poisons of the world.
"Capricious Death", "Oriental Tomb", "Pink Lightning",
"Golden Agony" and "Blonde throe".
- What is this "Blonde throe"? - "Blonde throe" is for women,
"Oriental Tomb" is for men. Allow me to advise you:
"Pink Lightning". - What are its advantages?
It kills the instant it touches the mouth!
I don't trust your words.
Last time you gave me a poison that should've killed an elephant in 5 minutes.
Yes, I remember that.
I made a slave take it, and he died after two hours of agony.
Well, I told you it would kill an elephant, but not a slave.
I need something that works on men and perhaps on a woman as well.
Then this is what you need.
For now I only trust in the asp.
Of course. The asp is the best choice, I won't deny it. But...
but I assure this can kill the strongest man in the world in a few moments.
- I don't believe you. - What? You don't believe me?
No. I don't. - You don't? - No!
Then watch!
Okay, I'll take it.
There, it just needed a good pull.
That's it. With this ring I can go to the ceremony. - Okay.
Meanwhile, herd the goat and make her eat while she bursts.
- Lately she has no appetite. - Well, then you insist!
Tell her the story of the wolf. And let her eat only the best grass.
- Taste it before she eats it. - Of course! - Okay, I'm off.
Hail, divine Cleopatra.
You shouldn't have gone out of the palace, you were more useful here.
My walks among the people are always important.
What did you find this time? A look-alike for Antony?
No, I found out something better.
The conspirator who will try to kill you will come dressed as a centurion.
It won't be hard for you to identify him.
Thanks, Tortul, but I already took care of this on my own.
I have a better way of recognizing him.
In this case I wouldn't like to be in his place.
The queen of kings!
Excuse me. Sorry. Pardon me.
Step aside. Don't blame me if you get bruised.
What are you doing?
Cleo!
Cleo, watch this.
Cleo. Cleo!
Damn what an impompious ceremony!
Very insolemn.
Cleo!
Hey, it's me!
Get him out of here.
Cleo... Hey! What are you doing, where are you taking me?
Why did you arrest me, officers?
- How dare you insult the queen! - Because I know her, we're friends!
- You'll pay for this! - Shut up, beardy, I don't like you.
Ah, here comes Cleopatra! My queen! Tell them that we're friends! Cleo!
Tell them that we're friends.
Better a strong enemy than a stupid friend. And you're just an idiot.
- Cleo, why the joke? - People have died for much less.
Oh, these things happen! Look at my finger!
Stop that, or I will kill you like a worm!
Are you serious? You were so nice before, what's gotten into you?
- What does this idiot want? - He must be a maniac.
The only maniac here is you! Cleo, don't you remember last night?
The ring. - The ring? Of course I remember.
You see, she remembers. Why pretend you didn't know and start that trouble?
Do you see the ring, Cleo?
- Arrest this man! - Are you crazy? Seriously?
You're kidding, we're good friends! Beardy, don't be nasty!
- Take him to prison. - Yes, let's go...
No, I don't want to go to jail! Guards, be merciful!
Do you want him killed?
That young man is too naive to be one of the conspirators.
The sweetest faces sometimes hide the most wicked souls.
I want to question him.
Traitors don't get questioned, they get killed.
I don't want to save his life, I want to talk to him.
It's dangerous to have sympathy for the enemy.
You understand nothing.
Remember, where a man's force will not work, a woman's charm will.
Bring him to me, and leave us alone.
Mama mia, what a gloomy jail!
How long have you been in this dark place?
Thirty hours!
Not bad. And you?
- Thirty months! - Too bad.
And you? - Thirty years.
Really? Did you have the goatee when you came in?
You must've learned to be a model prisoner by now!
Certain things it's much better not to learn.
Why not? You're a know-it-all? "Learn the art and set it apart".
And if you have to go back here, you'll already know what to do.
There is no coming back! Because you don't get out of here while alive!
Take that! You see these horns?
Take these horns and stick them under your beard! Know-it-all!
Obnoxious old man! And you, what have you done to be in jail?
- We didn't do anything! - Nothing!
We've been arrested by Tortul!
We are his victims, he commits the crimes and we get the blame.
Don't worry, be happy! We'll get out!
We'll leave... Never!
What "never"? Are you a fool? Of course we'll get out!
If there's an important event, like...
If Cleopatra had a son, there would be an amnesty, no?
- For us there's only one chance. - And what's that?
Death!
Of Tortul! - Of course, of Tortul!
Come here, cheer up, smile. There'll be an amnesty, you'll see!
And then there's me here, right? I know many funny games!
We'll enjoy ourselves! - Enjoy ourselves?!
We should prepare for death!
Will you shut up? Knock it off with death!
Or I'll tear your beard off, dirty old man!
This geezer is a real killjoy!
Do you know the game of "musical chairs"? - No.
You don't? I invented it. You stand there.
You, stand there. You here. You over there...
- And me? - You go away! - If only!
Can't you be quiet? What's he doing here, with that towel?
Damn jinx! He's ruining our game!
Now, to play musical chairs... If I say four, stay!
If I say three, run. Now go!
Go!
- Tortul! - Ouch!
- Come out. - Now?
- Right now? - Yes.
- But we just started a game! - Immediately!
What will you do now? You don't even know how to play!
- The queen wants to see you. - Really? I knew she'd change her mind!
Wait. Remember, if Cleopatra has a son, you'll be freed.
Except for you, okay? Boring old geezer!
Lift your spear, or you'll take out my eye!
Soon it will be night and I'll go to the palace.
I have a pass from Antony to deliver this ring to the queen.
And once before Cleopatra, with the help of the gods,
I shall not fail the blow.
Permission to come in?
# Cleopatra, Cleopatra, I do not understand you.#
# I asked permission, and you do not answer me. #
# This is not the way to receive people. #
# But in your look, so frownious, #
# there is always a symptom of a great love. #
Go, Dedit.
No, wait! It's better to have witnesses.
- Leave! - It's better if you go.
You sent them away so as not to look bad, right?
Maybe you want to apologise, Cleo?
Why did you make that scene? Everyone believed that you were serious.
I am serious.
I don't understand, what do you want?
Will you explain to me something?
OK, I will, if you'll explain why your hair is black.
What do you mean?
Don't get mad, it was an innocent question.
- Why did you want to kill me? - I wanted to kill you?
I don't understand!
First you've jailed me, then condemned to death, now I want to kill you?
Give my ring back, I won't talk to you. - Silence!
Come here.
Come!
Sit.
Sit here!
Closer.
Look at me.
What are you looking at, Cleo? I washed up well. Look!
- I've seen your face before. - Sure, I'm the same as last night.
It's you who has changed!
Not so much, though.
- What is your name? - Little Caesar.
Your have not only Caesar's face, but also his name!
And yet you want to kill me?
Just the same as last night.
Damn, what strong hands! My neck's twisted!
Oh, yeah? This'll put it back in place!
Stop hitting me! Or you'll knock me silly!
My head hurts!
Damn!
My head hurts so much.
- A slap of Cleopatra is an honour. - One, yes, but two's a rip-off!
A message from Antony to Cleopatra.
Now that we're friends again, will you promise not to change again tomorrow,
and not to treat me badly again? - Tomorrow I can't treat you badly.
- Really? - Because tomorrow you will be dead.
What? Why?
Because none of my lovers must survive.
Then I'm very sorry, but there's nothing for it. I want to live!
- Cleopatra. - What do you want?
I asked not to be disturbed.
Forgive me, Cleopatra, a messenger from Antony has arrived.
- Have him enter. - Let him enter.
Good evening!
- What message from Antony? - My orders are to give you this.
Another ring? The scarab!
Oh, now watch how that ring makes her angry!
- What is your message? - I must speak to you alone.
Guards! Guards!
His hand doesn't taste very good!
- There will be others after me! - Take him away!
When you're in prison, say hello from me! These Romans are like children.
This is dangerous stuff to play with. - The rings are the same!
Cleo, is there nothing in here?
One is mine! - And who are you?
Are we starting this again? I'm the one from last night.
You put your hat here and I put my helmet on this lion's head, remember?
Then I sat down here and did the trick with the hands.
And you tried to guess the riddle, is it here or is it there. Remember?
You started crying, so I did 'the little piggy'.
The cripple little piggy, remember?
It walked, and walked, and then it came...
to this mountain, remember? But you wouldn't let me pass.
Then you started to laugh, and then you began to cry.
You cried and laughed, and cried and laughed.
Until I asked what was the matter. But why did you have to cry?
You think that Cleopatra would cry, idiot?
That woman was an ordinary slut.
Says you! She was much nicer than you!
How could you believe she was the queen? She was wearing my own clothes,
But a goose is always a goose, even if it wears a collar of gold.
But if that wasn't you, then where is the other girl now?
- Which other? - The one from last night.
She got what she deserved. Like you, she'll be dead tomorrow.
- Then she's in jail! - That's right, and you'll join her.
Yes!
But first I'll show you the difference between a queen and a common slave.
Wait, let me guess! What is the difference between a queen and a slave?
A queen has crown, whilst a slave...
That is enough to kill someone!
Someone? Everyone!
Isis, what a thirst!
How thirsty I am! - You want to drink already?
- Yes, I'm thirsty. - Wait, Little Caesar.
- O, Osiris! O, Isis! - Wait a minute. - O, Osiris! O, Isis!
# I've got a thirst! #
Osiris! I'm burning up.
Do you prefer "Blond throe" or "Capricious Death"?
Capricious dea... No, I don't like bottled concoctions.
Pardon me, I prefer my homemade brew!
Ingeus!
Ingeus! Give me a jug of milk!
Come on, Ingeus, quickly! What are you waiting for?
Hurry Ingeus, Give me the milk jug, come on now!
- What's that? - Goat's milk from Zanziras.
- Milk! - A special milk.
- The fool, it's wine! - A special milk?
- Yes, red milk. - Red?
- Yes, but if you drink too much, you start seeing double. - Double?
- Let me try. - No, forget it.
Even two of you could not make one decent lover.
I'll get into trouble...
- Like it? - Good. - Yes, it's good.
It's good.
- Cleo, you drank it all! - Do you have another one?
- Another one? - Yes.
Let's see.
- Give me a bottle. - A bottle? - Of wine!
Don't be bashful, Cleo, down there we've got a full cellar. Drink.
Like they say: "When milk is spilled, wit is out."
- You drink it first. - Don't you trust me?
- No. - How suspicious!
Surprise!
Damn, I shouldn't joke with you.
Your love taps can hurt somebody.
Here, drink.
You're so funny, too bad you have to die tomorrow.
Well, don't be sorry, let me live.
How about it? - Impossible, at dawn you'll die.
Really?
Go on, drink, there is time until dawn, so many things can happen.
Careful, you spilled on the mountain.
- Do you have another? - You want another one?
Ingeus!
Hopefully this will be the last war.
This is the very last one, so says Domitius Ahenobarbus.
Halt!
What's he waiting for?
Who do you think he's waiting for? He's waiting for her, idiot!
Poor Mark Antony! He doesn't understand that war and women don't get along.
Why? - In war you can still find a moment of peace,
but with women, when?
You're right up to a certain point.
Him, for example, he's doing a war to be near Cleopatra, his wife.
Me, I volunteered for the war so as to stay away from Gerda, my wife.
It all depends on the kind of wife!
Give the order to advance.
Forward!
- What good milk! - You like it?
- It's goat's milk? - Yes, goat's milk from Zanziras.
I want another.
We've got goats for 1 or for 2 liter, 3, 10 liters. How much do you want?
- I want a 100 liters goat! - 100 liters?
When I get back to Zanziras, I will send you an enormous goat.
No, you're not going to Zanziras, because soon you have to die.
I'll give you poison, you happy?
Great, how I love this news!
- Little Caesar! - What? - Can I call you Caesar?
Call me as you wish, but I have to go. - No no no!
I want to call you Caesar, because it is the name of a great man.
- Really? - He had a high forehead like you.
Blue eyes...
Oh! You also have blue eyes!
How strange. This way, you have only one eye!
- Really? One eye? - The other will soon come back.
There it is! Now you have two.
One and two. One and two...
One, two, three, four.
Sorry, Cleo, but I really had to do it. It hurts me more than you.
Stay here and sleep it off.
And you, don't interfere! Or else I tear off that beard!
Give me the rings, I have to leave.
Excuse me. Tomorrow you can kill as many officers as you like.
I'm sorry to leave the mountain, but I have to go to the sea.
Wait! Wait, where are you going?
Cleopatra is sleeping, and she doesn't want to be disturbed.
Do me a favour, stay by the door and don't let anyone through.
- I'll do anything you want. - Good, then I will reward you...
I'll give you a kiss.
Wait, let me give it. Why waste a chance...
Today my luck has changed. You owe me 15 talents.
Guards! Guards! Beards, where are you?
Stop playing that game! The queen has been arrested!
They locked up her up in the dungeon! - Impossible!
Don't start that! Believe me, I saw it! - But who dared?
The ugly one with the little beard! Tortul is his name!
- That swine, he'll pay for this! - Well make him pay, not me!
Guards!
- Call me when the queen awakes. - There he is! Come on everybody!
There he is! Arrest him! It was him! Take him away!
Don't let him fool you! - Are you mad? Let go of me!
He arrested our beloved queen and we're going to free her! Come on!
Come on, officers, be careful of the step!
Good lads! Big and strong and always ready with the spears!
Come along, gentlemen.
As you can see, we're in the prison section.
There are three bedrooms for rent...
Where is the queen? - The queen?
- If you lied we'll cut you open. - To pieces!
One moment, don't be impatient.
Was a woman brought down here? - Yes. - See?
- That wasn't the queen! - Be silent or I tear your beard off!
- It is the queen! - That's what we'll see! - Let's see!
- Open the door! - Come on, open that door, slave!
I'll rip his beard! You'll see if there is a queen!
Here is the divine Cleopatra! The queen of kings!
The greatest queen... Put on the ring and act as I tell you.
The greatest queen of the world!
On your knees! All on your knees in front of Cleopatra!
I said all! On your knees! Down!
Not you, you're the divine Cleopatra.
Show them the ring.
See? - She's a blonde!
She’s blonde... I'll smash you with my own hands!
She is blonde. So what? Why so suspicious?
She's blonde from fear. Don't you know that fear can change the colour?
Black turns blonde, blonde turns white,
and white turns black, right?
You're black, you tell them. And the living... will end up dead!
- This is not Cleopatra! - Shut up, you liar!
Come, come.
Wait, don't be so greedy! You'll never learn good manners!
I'll give him to you. Come on, Tortul!
Come on, cut the fuss! - Let go of me! Let go of me!
Here is your friend. You can all share him. But eat slowly, don't be greedy.
But not the old man.
Let's flee!
Oh my, they ate him! Now that is gluttony!
Why, yes, of course, great Cleopatra.
Attention! The great Cleopatra orders: Everyone to return to his duties!
Pardon us.
Officers to their offices,
slaves to their slavery.
And no-one, NO-ONE,
is to speak a word of what has happened here.
Soon the great Cleopatra, accompanied by her humble servant,
will go out for her usual morning walk.
Let's go, Cleo. Pardon us.
Begin singing our national anthem.
But we really... - What? Don't you know it?
You have forgotten our song?
# Cleopatra! Cleopatra! #
# Cleopatra, Cleopatra. # - Do not dare following us!
You hear them singing? They really believe that you are the queen.
And you really are my queen. - You have my heart.
We shall go towards our happiness, in joy.
We'll always be together, always together.
- I'm afraid. - What are you afraid of?
Next to you a young man, tall, proud, brave,
don't you see me, Nisca?
Hey! The door's closed. - And now?
You needn't be afraid, you're safe here right beside me.
As long as you're with me, you don't have to fear anything.
What danger can there be? As long as they are sing...
Hush!
They're not singing anymore? - No.
- No? - Have they found out?
- I think so. - Run! Flee!
- It's closed as well. - Oh dear.
- What now? - You mustn't be afraid.
Bolted too! This way!
There's a wall here!
How are we going to escape? - This way.
No, thanks, we're escaping.
Wait! She'll save us! Come on!
- Are you fleeing with her? - Yes. Why, do you mind?
I'm sorry, but like my uncle said, "Don't miss any chance!"
Now you can be afraid! So long!
Little Caesar!
I played a joke on you!
Come on, dear.
I played a joke on her!